The new year brings changes...

I'm tired of always being the one that initiates things. Phone calls to family is the biggest thing. It bothers me that I hear "Oh she doesn't hear from the kids enough", WTF does the phone not go both ways? Is she incapable of picking up the phone and dialing. Make sure you have them call and say thank you to them for a gift that they didn't buy. Right on... no problem... lie to them, that's not a new thing. I get that they might not have the money to buy cool stuff like that for them and I understand them appreciating what they get is important, but seriously?, we saw them only a few days ago. Whatever though, letting it roll off and starting a new year with less rage... hopefully. 


My goal this year is to change one thing every week of the year, starting with how much water I drink. From there moving on to this that might seem insignificant to some, but matter to me. My biggest goal for 2012 is to consume no animal products of any sort. Be healthier, happier and eventually get my family eating less animal products as well. Another goal for me in 2012 is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and to be healthier. 


Looking forward with a smile on my face and big goals in my mind and heart. 
Happy New Year Everyone!

Christmas Woes.

It's not like I don't really like Christmas. I would probably be enjoying the season more, if I had all my shopping done. My problem this year is I don't know what to get everyone. There are so many people to shop for and no one is giving any good ideas as to what they want. Really I'm too the point where I'm going to have to either give in and do gift baskets or gift cards. Which I loathe doing, just because it's not about the money. When I give cash or gift cards to me it feels like a gift pay off. I'm stating "Hey, I had no idea what to get you so heres some cash have a blast.". That's not really the Christmas message I like to send to people. At this point in the season that's what I'm having to resort to, and it bothers me. I'm hoping next year to start shopping earlier, and finish up by December 1st. That was the plan this year, but money didn't work out like I thought it was going to. I'll probably start saving money for birthdays and Christmas around February or March. This might save us some financial pinching around the holidays next year. At least I'm hoping it will.

Attitude

I've decided it's finally time to write about attitude. Seems like everyone has one about something or everything. Attitude and opinion at times go hand in hand. It's not a bad thing by any means but it can be for sure. Everyone has an opinion about the best way to live. Make sure you get enough protein, carbohydrates, good fats, oh and don't forget the hoho's, ring dings, donuts, cupcakes, cookies, really the list could go on. If you've ever looked at the ingredients on these items you'd spend well over 5 minutes trying to read it or you'd say screw it, they taste good. This is why America is the fatest country in the world. Combine all those sweets, with McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, Sonic and all the other restaurants out there. I'm not saying there aren't healthy options at these drive up joints, but really who goes to McDonalds and orders a salad? I'll tell you who, the smart person that wants to live to be a ripe old age. Our society is overly focused on food. We live our lives to eat food, and we no longer eat just to survive. And as a society we are now paying to our gluttony with the rising rates of heart disease, diabetes and of course cancer. We are eating too many things with too many chemicals, additives, preservatives and most of all with no nutritional value. These foods are chalked full of fats and sugars and have little to no vitamins or minerals in them. God forbid you miss out on your protein, you better run to McDonalds and buy a double or wait make that a triple cheese burger. Clog your arteries, but get your protein what the hell kind of thinking is that, other than pure ignorance? 


Lets think for a second what would happen if we ate whole foods, wait maybe even raw foods. If we all lived by the rule that if we can't read what's on the nutrition label that we don't buy it. What would happen if we all started using whole grains, like whole wheat flour instead of white. Raw sugar instead of the overly processed white sugar, we might actually be healthier. Our society is so obsessed with dairy, meat, and overly refined sugars and flours that we've forgotten about eating good wholesome fruits and vegetables. 


If we as a society could change our attitude about food, we might just be able to change the world. We would lower the amount of money we spend on healthcare. We would decrease our instance of cancer, diabetes and heart disease. The research is there showing this to be so. We just don't want to believe it, you know why? It tastes too good. 


I didn't realize how much meat, cheese and refined stuff I was eating till I changed my diet. Now not only do I not eat meat or dairy, I won't eat it if it has white flour, sugar or anything on the label I can't read. My grocery bill is cheaper and I feel better. I really wish I could help people to see that they are slowly killing themselves just by the junk they put in their mouths. 


This is something I hope to teach my children, that food isn't about image and who can eat the most. It's about healthy wholesome taste, and moderation. Some of the things our society consumes shouldn't be eaten, and if we choose to indulge every once and awhile it should be just that a rare case of indulgence. Rare meaning once or twice a year, not every other week. 


We really are what we eat. Why not eat fruits, veggies, nuts, nut butters, beans, whole grains, like wheat and oats. Avoid the meat, dairy, oils, white refined sugars and flours, chemicals, additives so we can live well and feel better. 


Like I said, we all have attitudes about things. It we change any attitude let it be the way we look at food. No other attitude that we have can hurt us or help us more. 

UGH!!!

You know you'd think that all the times that I've forgotten birthdays, that yet another year wouldn't make a difference. Yeah guess what, I guess I have forgotten one to many and now there are hurt feelings involved. I remembered it the day of. Lost track of time like I always do and forgot to call. Now, in all honestly this individual never calls me on my birthday either, but they always send a card. So I'll put a card in the mail, and call in a few days to apologize as stupid as I think it is. I don't ever think that anyones feelings are stupid, but really I forget just about every year. What has made this be the year their are hurt feelings involved. Must be the position of the moon or some sort of bad omen winter solstice or something causing people to be super sensitive. I will bow to societal conventions completely against my will, I'll send a belated birthday card and apologize. 


It doesn't help that I know this isn't going to be the last time I forget a birthday, or that I forget to do something that means something to someone else. I really do have a terrible memory, and once I remember once it is likely that I won't remember twice (in one day that is). To actually pick up the phone and call, I hardly remember to call my immediate family when there is a birthday. I usually post on their facebook wall, but rarely do I call. 


I'm not going to lie. I feel a little bad, but I know it's more of a big deal to her then it is to me. I just wish I could understand why. I guess it's just one of those things that I'll probably never quite understand why.


Have I mentioned lately I'm ready for the holidays to be over. I'm ready to be done shopping, wrapping and trying to make sure that everyone gets bought for. I'm not feeling the holidays this year. I'm totally excited to be able to spend it with my family this year, but I wish someone else would do the rest of the Christmas prep for me cause I have shopping block. I can't think of what else to buy people. To put it bluntly, I'm out of ideas. I'm hoping next year I can talk the hubby in to splitting the buying responsibilities. Although, I'm not going to hold my breath. 

Recent Food Changes.

I've made a huge change in my eating habits. I've decided that I'm no longer going to eat meat, or animal bi-products. This means no cheese, milk, eggs, butter, ect, ect. I'm also cutting out all the highly processed foods, and oils and such. That's right, I'm going raw, or as close to raw as I can get. I'll be getting my proteins from beans, nuts and (cringe) tofu. I don't have a lot of experience at this so my food choices right now are pretty simple. Make something that doesn't taste awful and that doesn't have anything I'm trying to avoid. Already after 3 days doing this, I feel amazing. Now, to be fair the first day I had dairy creamer in my coffee because we had nothing else. I have a french vanilla coconut milk creamer that I'm now using. I cheated yesterday and had a solo cup of homemade chex mix with cashews in it. More processed then I should have been eating. The chex mix was made with butter and I'm sure some of it's ingredients contained animal products. I'm just starting out, and have cut animal products out cold turkey. I don't feel bad for my little cup of chex mix. I don't think that for cutting it all out all at once that I'm doing too bad. 


In other news it's snowing. That's right it's snowing. It feels too soon for snow, but I guess it really isn't since it's December and all. I'm not ready for snow, or the holidays this year. I'm very much enjoying not having to be doing school right now in the midst of trying to get ready for Christmas. 


It's quiet in the house right now. It's a rare thing that this house is quiet. The baby is taking her one and only nap right now, so I'm trying to make the most of my free time. I cleaned yesterday did bathrooms and vacuumed, so I'm not in any rush to get up and "pick up" the baby toys. If I clean them up now when she wakes up all she is going to do is scatter them everywhere again. I daunting pointless task to pick up toys in the middle of the day. Diaper laundry is in the washer, and tomorrow I'll need to do a few loads of regular laundry. At some point this weekend I need to get out and get a few groceries. Since my eating habits have changed I'm finding not many things in the house are animal product free. 


Okay, I feel I need to clarify something. I don't want to get judged by anyone thinking I'm out to "save" the animals by not eating animal products. I don't care even the slightest if Wilber ends up as bacon. I'm choosing to not eat meat and animal bi-products, because studies show that they aren't good for you. That they are the leading cause of heart disease and cancer. So to live a healthier longer life, I'm doing this for me. Not for a cause, or to try and prove anything to anyone. I hate it when someone says "Oh your going vegan?", well yeah, I guess I am. Really though what does it matter to you? I'm not asking you to eat the way I do. This just goes to show you, that people still piss me off. My rage is normal I hear, and if it's not oh well. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. 


It just occurred to me that it's been a little bit since I blogged. I have started to write a few times, but then found myself with nothing to say. That happens rather frequently since my life isn't exactly overflowing with excitement. I lead a boring, simple life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't like drama, never have. It just complicates things. 


The only goal remaining for today is come up with something for supper that tastes good, and have the kids do their advent tree. 

Constant Battle.

As Christmas rapidly approaches the list of things that still needs to be done looms over my head. Presents that still need to be bought. Christmas cards still need to be ordered. Decorations need to be put up, and presents need to be wrapped. It's overwhelming. I did some this weekend, but can't do anymore until the 1st of December. I could start wrapping, but that's my least favorite part of all the holiday stuff. It doesn't take long, it's mostly motivating myself to actually do it. 


I'm blah today. I'm not sure why. No drive to really do anything, but I'm doing laundry anyway, because Monday I'd like to have the house vacuumed, and mopped. Tuesday is bathrooms, and more laundry. Then Wednesday I hope to be able to relax other than the normal load of dishes, kitchen clean up and baby toy pick up. I have stuff I need to do, but the sound of a whining baby is enough to deter me from even trying to get anything accomplished. She only takes one nap now, and during that one nap I don't want to do anything but enjoy the silence. I always end up picking up or cleaning up something. Feels like some days that's all that I do. Though, I know some days I don't do anything. 


Some times I wonder why I work so hard to have a clean house. I do it for selfish reasons, but I also do it for my family. I guess at times I feel that it isn't appreciated. It feels more like a battle then anything else. Can the house be completely clean for a day before it is in complete disarray again? I know what the solution is, but I can't seem to implement it. It's more work then just doing the constant battle of clean up, if that makes sense. 


So now that the baby is asleep and baby dishes are soaking. I guess I better go wash dishes, and fold a load of laundry. 


Might be back later to vent more of my thought, if not I'm sure I'll blog again tomorrow. Hope everyone has a relaxing Sunday. 

Dear 11yr old boy.

I am frustrated that what you want to do is more important then helping out a little. It bothers me when all you do is play video games and watch tv all day. It's obnoxious when it's a huge fight to get you to do anything else. I love you, but sometimes I just want to shake you a little. Your snarky attitude is getting old, and regardless of how you try and laugh it off, it's still there, and it's still old. I feel like Dad and I do it all around here. We pick up after messes that we don't make, and most of the time it's not a problem. We are stilling trying to recover from Thanksgiving an asking you to help pick up the babies toys is a giant fight. This is disappointing to me because the hardest thing you've done all day is feed yourself and use the bathroom. 


I'm all about letting kids be kids, but I'm not about all of this. It's time for you to learn pre-teen boy that if you are going to make it in this life you need to do more then just lay around. I get that it is your vacation from school, but when do I get a break? When do I get to not pick up the kitchen after you've gotten what you needed and left half of it out. Usually if I say something in a situation like that you are good about going back and cleaning it up. Asking you to do anything that involves selflessly helping is not even worth asking. 


I guess right now I'm just annoyed that this vacation you are being nothing more than a boy shaped lump on the couch. What happened to a little outdoor activity every now and again. What's worse is you are being a boy shaped lump that is recently unwilling to help. 


It's very annoying, frustrating and disheartening. Tomorrow little big boy, things are going to be different enjoy your cartoons while they last. 

Holiday blahs.

What do you do, when there is nothing you WANT to do? I get responsibility, duties and things that HAVE to be done. Being a stay at home mom, and a student on break right now, the only things I have to do is cook, clean and do laundry. Even if I worked, I'd still have most of these responsibilities. I spend the last two weeks making sure this house was organized and picked up. It's not right now, and that's okay. Day after Thanksgiving, there are baby toys every where and the kitchen could use picking up, but I don't want to today. So I'm not going to, I'm going to sit here and do nothing. Don't get me wrong, before I go to bed tonight, I'll go around and clean up all the toys. I'll do a load of dishes and clean up the kitchen. I like a clean house, but having it be messy today, isn't going to bother me till tonight. I have a cup of coffee, and a place to empty my thoughts. 


I never did a Thanksgiving post this year. I thought about it, but I guess it just bothers me that people need a day to stop and be thankful for what they have. If you have gone without, you don't need reminding to be thankful. Usually once a week (at least) I tell my husband I'm thankful for him and all he does for our family. Every time the kids do something to help, I always tell them thank you and that I appreciate their help. I know a lot of people that don't do this, and I don't understand why. I don't get why we need a single day to remind us to slow down and be thankful for what we have. I guess that's what our society get's for being so fast paced. 


The saying is true sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone. I remembered yesterday 2 years ago was when I had decided it was time for me to leave. He was having a fit about something and didn't even wish the kids a happy thanksgiving and that was the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds dumb to let that be the deciding moment, but after all the other abuse and neglect it was just the end. Don't get me wrong I didn't think about it much yesterday, but he remembered to call them. I bet, he won't forget to call on holidays or birthdays anymore, because he may realize now what he had and that it's gone. Sometimes it takes a rude awaking. I think that us leaving has made him a better Dad to them, or at least that what it appears to be. Hopefully he makes the changes he needs to make, to find someone he can truly be happy with. 


Ugh, I just realized that Christmas is only a month away. I have to get motivated to finish my Christmas shopping. I have 16 people left to buy for, and no drive to get it done. I've got to say, I'm really not feeling the holidays this year. I don't even know why, I think probably because yet again we are broke. 

Today relax, tomorrow , busy busy.

Today is much quieter then yesterday. This morning I finished up Tyler's room so his area is all back to looking like a little boy lives there. I mopped his room, Julie's room and the hallway leading to their rooms. The only thing that is left that needs to be done is vacuum Kaylee's and Jon and I's room, and the little hallway that connects them. I did a load of wash, and finished prepping  Kaylee's toddler prefolds since she is about to out grow the size she is in now, figured it wouldn't hurt to have the next size ready to go. I made Kaylee lunch chickpea, spinach, dill and lemon ground up with applesauce. Once she finished lunch it was down for a nap for her. Then I did a quick pick up of her toys, and washer her lunch dishes. Now I'm just sitting here on the couch contemplating what I'm going to have for lunch. Sounds stressful doesn't it? hahaha.

Tomorrow is going to be busier, have to go to the store to get food for Kaylee for while we are gone, and stuff to make my sisters birthday cake(wrapping paper too, since all I have here is christmas paper). Then it's off to the school for the harvest lunch they are having (thanksgiving fixings). Then I'll bring Kaylee home and put her down for a nap, and begin cleaning out the car. I'll pack some more stuff for our trip, and then when the kids get home I'll take Julie to ballet. Before I go to bed tomorrow night I'll wrap up my sisters and Trinity's (my neice) birthday presents. Trinity's birthday isn't till December, but I won't see her again before her birthday, and unfortunately won't make it there for her party. Friday I'll load up the car, and bake cakes. Remembering to pack all the decorating stuff I'm going to need Saturday morning. I think that's why I started packing so soon. I mean really everyone is pretty much packed for a normal weekend away. I'm just so afraid I'm going to forget something to get this cake together, or a birthday present or something.

I woke up today feeling pretty good. It was my turn to get up, so of course Kaylee was up right at 6am when the other two had to get up. Though she's been good today. She ate a good breakfast, and a decent lunch and didn't fight going down for a nap. I can't argue with that. Guess we'll see how the afternoon goes. Usually about 3hrs before she goes to bed, she turns into devil baby. Crying over, and at everything for no real reason.

So here's to a good afternoon, cheers!!

Cleaning reminds me.

Today was a productive day. Cleaned all 3 bathrooms, like down on my hands and knees cleaned. Did the kids laundry, and got that all put away. Picked up and vacuumed the whole downstairs. Picked up most of the upstairs with the help of the kids. Tomorrow I'll need to vacuum the hallway and mop and vacuum Tyler's room. The hubby said he would vacuum the rest of the upstairs for me before we leave this weekend. I even did a load of dishes and washed baby dishes. As I was cleaning I got to thinking about one of the women that taught me a lot of what I know about cleaning. How whenever I went to her house with the kids she was always worried about the crumbs if they ate while watching tv. Though she worried about it less and less as she came closer and closer to the end of her life. I guess crumbs are just not as important in the grand scheme of things. Oh how I miss her. There are times I want to call her, but know that I can't. I haven't removed her number out of my cell phone yet, even though at this point I probably should. Sometimes I hear her voice in my head when I'm cleaning, mainly because I used to help her clean. See she was a caretaker, she did all the household duties of the home she cared for except laundry and cook. When she got sick the first time, I helped her continue to do her job. It was good for me. Those are the times I remember most, she was so full of life even after they told her she could be dying.

Then while cleaning sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to clean if people would just help by cleaning up after themselves. It's a learned skill though, one that takes practice and conscious effort. I at times am guilty of not picking something up right away, life sometimes gets in the way.

So I lay here in bed, tired, achy and sore from cleaning all day long, but satisfied. I know when I go down stairs in the morning the dishes are done, and the house is picked up. I have one load of wash to do tomorrow, but I can do it whenever. On that note, I think I'm going to turn in for the night. It's time for rejuvenation.

AHHHHHH 1, 2, 3 Breathe

Today has already been one of those days. I found out some stuff yesterday that makes me a less then happy mama, but taking it all in stride and punishing with love and understanding. I was sad, because Tyler (the one in trouble here) said I should make him sleep on the floor, a punishment he used to receive when I didn't have control with how they were dealt with. It made me sad, because it just goes to show the damage that was done is real. My job is to make him feel secure, and let him know that it's okay to make mistakes. My next goal with him is to increase his confidence. One day at a time, and one issue at a time. With love and understanding he is going to turn out okay.

To start off today was supposed to be my day to sleep in, well that didn't happen. I guess it's a good thing I went to bed at 9:30pm last night. The hubby had an appointment this morning, and the kids were being less then helpful getting ready for school this morning. You'll have days like this. Then the baby didn't want anything to do with the hubby after her morning nursing session. That was enough to tell me that going back to bed was a bad idea. I tried anyway, only to hear the older kids going up and down the stairs 6 times. I got up and got dressed at that point, admitting defeat on my day to sleep in.

I'm hoping that as the day goes on the baby's mood gets better. Maybe after her first nap she won't scream about everything. Kids laundry has to get done today, after diapers finish washing. I swear, cleaning, laundry and all that is a never ending battle. I do laundry 4 days a week. Two days are dedicated to doing mine, the hubby's and babies laundry. Two days are dedicated to doing the older kids laundry, so this morning there was no reason that Tyler should have needed jeans washed. Hopefully this week he will listen when I tell him make sure is laundry is in the sorter because tomorrow is his laundry day. He offered to do his own laundry, which I'd take him up on if he actually folded and put it away. The laundry room is a well oiled machine things go in, they get washed, they get put away. I can't deal with baskets of clean clothes not folded or baskets and baskets of clean folded clothes. I don't mind letting him help me, but he's going to learn that laundry isn't just running the washer and dryer real fast.

I have pandora radio playing in attempts to get me in the right frame of mind for all the stuff that needs to get done today. We leave Friday afternoon for my Mom's for the weekend. I need to get the house cleaned (hate coming back to a messy house), and really most of the mess is baby toys. I have to get everyone packed, clothes, diapers, food for baby, crib, clothes for us and the kids. The car needs to be loaded and ready to leave for Friday when the kids get out of school. On top of all that I have to bake a cake for my sisters party Saturday. I figured the easiest way to do this (since her party is at noon) is to bake the cake Friday during the day, let it cool, wrap it up and bring it with us. Then Saturday morning I can just put it together, frost and decorate it and it will be good to go. I'm a little stressed today, feeling overwhelmed with all the things that have to get done this week.

I can do it, just need to step back take it one thing at a time and press on. Things will come together, they always do. Baby steps right? Guess it's time to wrap this up and clean the kids bathroom, the first baby step of the day. Till later, I'm sure.

Today so far...

Back on the "diet" this morning. Had pizza and cake at Julie's birthday party, as well as a bunch of other things this weekend that I wasn't supposed to have. As  of yesterday my net loss for the first week was 4lbs. Not bad I don't think for not following it every day. I would splurge a little here and there, and I've been ignoring the morning lemon water, cause ick. Hoping to have another successful week. Though we are heading to my Mom's this coming weekend for my sister's 21st birthday, and I've been informed there is going to be jello shots. So another weekend of not following it. Guess I better be good this week so I can at least end up with a net loss for the week. Now, I wouldn't even be "dieting" if I weren't gaining weight. I'm not back to my pre-pregnancy weight from this last one and it's been 15 months, figured it was time to put my purse down and do something about it. I don't have time right now for the gym, but I could be doing something at home. To start with I'm just trying to get my eating right again. Baby steps.

This morning has gone pretty good. The older kids were able to get up quietly enough to allow the baby to sleep till 7am. That's an hour to 90mins more then she usually sleeps in the morning. I came downstairs, got my coffee and sat down for a few minutes while the kids got ready for school. Then I started to clean up the kitchen some. After that it was diaper folding time. Had ordered 12 more flat diapers, 12 more 8 layer doublers and already had the fleece liners cut for them. So I got to folding and right after I got the first one folded she woke up. In the high chair she went with her drink and some puffs so I could get the rest of the diapers folded. Cloth is so much easier then disposables. I don't have to worry where I'm going to find $80 a month to buy diapers. I just have to wash them.

Today will consist of laundry. The constant battle of trying to keep the house picked up of baby toys, and maybe a walk after baby has her lunch. Since it has been working out that she just doesn't take a second nap, we might as well get out and get some fresh air and get me some exercise. 

My head is pretty clear today. I would have liked to sleep more, but today just wasn't my day, tomorrow is though :). 

Another day past.

This blog has become like an online journal for me. A place I can go to let it all out. The day has gone by pretty uneventful. I didn't get dressed, which doesn't bother me cause I'm comfortable. I don't think I really did much. I washed diapers, and put the ones I had washed yesterday away. Changed, fed and watched baby, like normal. Squeezed in one movie before the network started being a whore. This network issue has been the cause of my husbands hmmm pissy? mood. If he's not pissy he's not happy either. I'm pretty sure it's a good combination of annoyed, frustrated and displeased in himself that he hasn't fixed it yet. I told him out of all the things in life a network problem isn't a big deal. For a programmer a network problem ruins his whole day.

Tyler had a friend over for a little while. This makes me happy, because the older kids stayed outside for the entire time that he was here. This resulted in a quieter inside of the house. The baby again only took one nap. I tried at 3pm to get her to take a second one, but when almost 4pm came around and she was still awake; I figured it was time to give up.

The network issue makes the kids pissy because they can't watch tv or movies. This doesn't bother me in the slightest, because it forces them to find something else to do. Something that they struggle with at times, but a skill they must master as I doubt that with their first job they will have enough money to buy a tv.

So with beer in hand at the table, waiting to go up and put the baby to bed another day has past. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Past Life Changes.

I've learned a few things in the last couple of years. It's okay to have a day in pajamas and relax. It's okay to not spend every day cleaning house. It's okay to have toys on the floor when you have a baby. That doesn't mean the house is dirty, it just means it's a little messy. It's okay to sit on the couch and enjoy a cup of coffee, really you don't have to feel bad about it. These great new things I've learned from my husband, he taught me it's okay to take care of me sometimes. It's probably the most important thing he's given me, the gift of freedom and personal preservation. A gift that I was too afraid at one point to give myself.

I am more confident now then I used to be. I can say what is on my mind without worrying about being yelled at. I'm not afraid to tell my husband anything. That was a new and welcomed change. I am still working on my self esteem, but it's coming along slowly. There is yet a few things I need to do to fix it, that I just haven't done yet. I'm getting there, change isn't something that happens overnight. Fixing years of low self esteem is something that is going to take more then 2 years to fix, though I feel a break through coming soon.

The kids are happy. They can be kids, and have fun with out ridicule. They aren't forced to do unreasonable chores, and they are punished cruelly. They smile and joke, and are doing great in school now. Change for them didn't happen overnight either, but you sure can see the difference.

Watching such dramatic change happen even over an extended period of time is refreshing. I didn't need more reassurance that I did the right thing, but it sure is nice to have it. To know now, what I doubted then (only a little) was the right thing. I have changed, they have changed... and I hope that is some way this has changed him too. The only regret I have about the way the situation was handled, was that to some I didn't say goodbye. I left good friends with no notice that I was leaving. Though I did it for a reason, I feel bad about it. My leaving should have only hurt one person, no many.

As time passes though the people that were really my friends have come forward. They have asked me what happened and why I left, and most of all have expressed sadness at my lack of goodbye. To those people I've apologised in hopes of making things right, because in my mind they didn't deserve that kind of hurt. In most cases the friendship was able to resume, in some they just didn't understand. Anyone that knows me, knows I wouldn't do anything to harm my children, and everything to protect them and myself. I only did what was best for us. Those that can't accept that weren't really friends in the first place.

I sit here and write this in my pajamas on the couch, on a Sunday with my cup of coffee. I smile knowing that life now is better then it has been and really it's only going to get better.

Differences in opinion.

A simple statement from my mother in law is prompting this post. "I couldn't survive being a parent now a days.". I have to be honest, what does this mean? Now to give some context to this statement, my husband and I were simply trying to get her to stop freaking about about the size of a piece of ice our little one was eating. I explained nicely that it is scientifically shown, that the bigger the piece of food or whatever the less likely the child will choke on it. That was when she uttered that statement. I am fine with people disagreeing with how I raise my kids. I breastfeed, cloth diaper, and sometimes even I still carry her in her sling. So, what makes how I am raising my baby so different from when it was done when my mother in law did it? Oh wait, I know... I don't have anxiety issues, and I don't freak out at every little thing. It's not about the change in times, it's about the difference in people and opinion.

I do things my way, because they work for my family. I wish everyone cloth diapered their babies and breastfed. Honestly though to try and impose my opinions on every woman I see with a baby would be pointless. Actually come to think of it, it would be a nice way to piss people off.

If you don't agree with how I parent my kids, tough shit. I do what I feel is right for my kids. I'm sorry if you don't feel you would survive being a parent now a days, nothing really has changed. I just don't fuss over every little thing that she does. I don't baby her, unless she needs babying. How is she going to learn about this world if I don't let her experience it.

I know we all do the best we can with what we are given when it comes to our kids. What I don't get is hovering, and worrying about my child experiencing the world. We do not learn if we don't fall. We do not learn if we don't make mistakes. It is ultimately our experiences with other people, and our environment that make us who we are.

If we don't have those experiences, then we are only going to be less then what we could be. As a parent my job is to make sure my kids reach their full potential, even if that starts out with eating ice, that might be bigger then my hand.

Oh, the joy of having kids.

The most innocent of our species, is the most complicated. The initially can't talk, walk or do anything for themselves. It is out jobs as parents to insure they are fed, changed, warm and well taken care of. It is also our job to make sure they are loved. What is the reward for this job? Now, I've taken a parenting class in addition to having 3 children and I can tell you there are rewards and drawbacks to the job of being a "parent".

When there are boo boos you get to be the one that makes them all better. When they are sad, you get to be the one that makes them happy again. As they get old the task of fixing all the little problems isn't as easy any more. Problems as they age get more complicated as their emotions become more complex, and as their brain develops.

What no one tells you about is the screaming that they do because they don't know any other way to communicate. The number of times you will tell the child "no" about the same thing. Listening to Kaylee off and on scream on the way home from Colchester is what prompted this post. Telling her to stop, did nothing. Something was wrong, and at the time we could do nothing to fix it, so she cried. She was helpless and so were we, she was suffering and so were we.

Raising kids is a challenge, one that is rewarding, frustrating, and obnoxious at times. Worth it even though there are days I want to pull my hair out.

Damn the Rusty Shovel

We all have things that get to us. It can be something that just happened, or something that happened years ago. Most of the time to bring it all back it takes a small jogging of the memory. Feelings of regret at the way a situation was handled, or fear bringing up something you want to forget. Thankfully I don't have this happen often any more. This is the part about healing I like. Things that used to bother me a lot either don't bother me any more or both me so little that I hardly miss a beat. I had an instance like that today. I had an old friend message me on facebook and ask me what happened. I didn't really want to dig it all up, so I simply stated that I left. Not the entire truth (we weren't close enough for me to feel obligated to give them the entire nitty gritty detailed story). It just got me thinking about how often I avoid the subject, like you would avoid the dentist or something else unpleasant. It really did leave a bad taste in my mouth, the marriage and really the whole divorce experience. I plan to never go down that road again. So far, so good :).

Seriously though, I think that it takes awful experiences sometimes to help people really appreciate a good thing when they get it. I can't say my entire first marriage was bad, it mostly was but like all marriages it didn't start out that way. What I experienced during that time frame of my life has certainly taught me how to love deeper, and respect a good thing when I have it, because I know what I bad thing feels like.

So I sit here in the kitchen my awesome family in various places of the house. The hubby upstairs with the baby as she plays before bed. Tyler is watching a movie, and Julie is upstairs in her room doing something. It's peaceful. It's not perfect, but no household is, but when there is a problem we resolve it and move on. It doesn't get brought up over and over again over weeks and weeks.

So this is what being in love, and being loved is like. It's everything I always thought it would be. To be at a place in my life when I can truly say I'm happy is a nice change. I have an awesome husband that actually helps and understands. He doesn't get pissy when I have off days, or choose not to pick up. I have three great kids, who to say the least keep me on my toes and keep life interesting. I couldn't see my life without them.

Though there are moments when something from the past gets dug up with the rusty shovel, they are far and few between. They don't hurt, they are just annoying. As with all the little annoyances of life take them in stride and move on.

Seriously though? I'm loving my life!

Journey to a smaller me.

School for me is over until January. I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me. The break will be good for me. Until today though I hadn't realized how bad I had let my eating habits get. No wonder I have almost 20lbs to lose. 


I did OK today, not great but okay. I did fine until supper for me was late because of a mix up in when Julie's ballet class was. I had two beers (not really allowed on this diet) and 2 small size mint three musketeers bars. Now I'm having my third cup of green tea for the day. For the first day of a carb restrictive diet, I don't think I did too bad. I can't go from eating whatever I want, to eating none of what I want. So a little at a time I'll cut back and cut out. Tomorrow I'll only have one beer, though that was the plan today it back fired due to the extended wait at the ballet school. 


Other then that I did great. I ate the two fruit servings, the two probiotic servings, three protein servings and the two good fats, oh and lots and lots of veggies. Don't let me forget the green tea, though I'm not a huge fan I drank all three cups. I was lacking in water today, but did well limiting myself to one cup of coffee. So tomorrow I'll get up with a fresh head, and try all over again to eat right. 


I was able to get a little exercise today, walking from the post office to the JcPenny plaza to use the bathroom, and then back to the car. The kids all have their boots, and are now all ready for the snow. Thankfully we haven't had a reason for them to use their winter gear yet, though most of the state has already. 


So tomorrow for me is going to consist of cleaning up downstairs (it looks like a tornado whipped through here) and get caught up on laundry. Then who knows, maybe I'll read a book, or even take a nap if I want to. Though the nap might be about tomorrow since it is my day to sleep in. Guess it all depends on how I feel. 


Looking forward to another successful day of eating right... hopefully with less slip ups. 

Loss and Grief.

I don't like it when my friends suffer. Even ones I haven't talked to in years and years. I don't like it when for whatever reason a life is taken, especially when it is a young life. I don't know why, and I don't care it wasn't justified. Everyone deserves a chance to live life. To experience an ice cream cone, and getting it everywhere. To know what hugs and kisses from Mom and Dad feel like and to remember that experience. No one should have to go through the experience of watching their child die. 


Today feel like a "fuck it all" kind of day. Too much hurt in this world coupled with injustice. Unfortunately there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about. We all stand by and watch, say, "I'm sorry for your loss". Do we really know what these people are experiencing? or do we just feel bad out of reflex? I can't imagine having my child for nearly 5 months and then having them gone. It is not only unfair, it's cruel. Unfortunately that is how life works. There are times when children are stole before they are even born. We don't even get to meet them. Honestly I think knowing a child and then having them leave is worse. People will say, "At least they aren't suffering.", I promise you these statements will not help. 


There is no family member you want to say "goodbye" too. Sometimes, we don't get a choice. Sometimes life makes you say it. Disease ends a life too soon, or someone gives up treatment because they feel they have fought long enough. We all cry. I cry still sometimes. Her number is still programmed in my phone... but it's not her number anymore. All that is left of her is her ashes and a piece of paper saying she is no longer here. With all the historical information about her work, and parents, and all that. As her family, we don't care about all that we just want her back. I guess I still just wish we had talked more. I wish I hadn't let someone else that was temporary in my life take away time I could have had with her. I still blame him. I probably always will. Though I'll probably never tell him, because he won't care. 


Is there no difference between the death of a child and a death of a loved one that has lived many years? Which one is harder? Having not known them more, or known them longer? 


People are always shaken more by the loss of a baby. Lost opportunity, and mostly the loss of their hopes and dreams of being a parent. The extreme emptiness that follows the loss of an infant can not be adequately described. When an older person loses their life, we are either wrought with anguish at the loss of someone too soon, or relieved that the individual is no longer "suffering". 


I despise, loathe and detest "Cancer" any form really. That people have to suffer with the disease makes my stomach ill. Colon cancer, breast cancer, cervical cancer, the list goes on and on. 


What we do know is "Life" be it a couple of months with not breath taken. 5 months in a hospital... or 62 years with 2 kids a few husbands, a work history and grandkids, and great grandkids, life is still precious. 


We all grieve. We also all do it in our own way. For those that have not lost directly, all we can do is offer support. Support that is not very much help if we haven't experienced the event first hand. 


There are also different types of grief. Grief for the loss of a loved one. Grief for the loss of a dream. Grief for the loss of something we thought would be great that turned out to be a giant train wreck. Unfortunately all we can do, no matter the type of grief is deal with it, and move on. 


Not easy sometimes, but all we can do. 

Babblings

I had to go out today, even though I desperately didn't want to. The reason I had to go out was kind of dumb, but it just goes to show you to what extent I will go to, to make sure my kids are comfortable. Well in this case kid singular. I went out for fabric scissors. Now, for anyone that knows me is probably going, "Whaaat?". I picked up a few yards of fleece yesterday to create a stay dry barrier in Kaylee's cloth diapers, because since getting over this cold she's gotten a bit of a rash. One that we are desperately trying to clear up, and the best way to do that is to keep the wetness off her skin. So I figured I'd make some homemade fleece liners, well this was a learning experience because I went to cut the fabric with the kitchen scissors, yeah, the kitchen scissors SUCK! It looked like a wolverine had chewed on the edges of the fabric. So off to the fabric store this morning I went in search for a less sucky pair of scissors. 

On my way to the fabric store I was again filled with rage and people inability to pay attention to the road. Now, I'm not one to go pointing fingers. I too am guilty of the occasional phone call while driving and trying to keep the kids in line. I don't however almost hit multiple people while attempting to multitask. I think the biggest thing that pisses me off, is that if you know you can't multitask THEN DON'T DO IT! The only thing that is going to result is people getting hurt, or even worse killed. 


Completely unrelated to my stupid people rant there, I'm tired of being fat. My wonderful husband says he can't tell I'm gaining weight again... honestly I think he's saying that so my feelings don't get hurt. I NEED to lose 15lbs. It's part of the reason I have trouble breathing more often. It's probably related to my decreased sex drive, and I know it stops my clothes from fitting me. So starting Monday, I'm done playing around. This weight is coming off, and that's that. That being said, I don't have a specific plan. I will calorie count again. Veggies and lean protein are going to make up the majority of my diet. Fruits (in limited quantities). Part of my problem right now, is I like beer. So I guess, less beer, less pasta and rice (which I love). Most important of all, more exercise. 


I can't seem to focus tonight. I have so much to do, but getting my mind to stay involved with one thing tonight just isn't working. This is going to cause me problems tomorrow and Saturday as that is all that I have left to finish this paper and final exam.


 I guess I better quit talking about it and get to it. 

Frustrated.

This week for me has been so beyond frustrating. I haven't gotten nearly as much done on my paper that is due Sunday as I should have done. I still have shopping to fit in this week at some point. The baby might be coming down with pink eye, that would be great. This always happens to me the last week of classes. 


Also to top it off I took time out of my day to do something for someone else, and no one will tell me how it turned out. So I don't know if everything is ok or not, guess that's the thanks that I get for trying to help. 


I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. Some personal stuff about me got brought up, afterwards I felt sick for a few hours. To be honest, I still don't feel right. 


The whole situation just makes me sick, and now that no one will tell me what happen, makes me angry. 


I guess I'm just going to have to try and let it go. 


Easier said than done. 

Just goes to show you... some people really shouldn't breed.

This is something that I've never really talked about. Mostly because I know I'm not the only one that has had this happen to them. I have a wonderful Mom, she's made her mistakes, but she's awesome (not perfect, but still awesome). After she divorced my dead beat sperm donor, she married a great man. Whom I now call my Dad, and have for years. 


I have to wonder why my "sperm donor" didn't think I was worth his time. I know sometimes kids are not planned, but you don't have to make that the kids fault. I honestly think that I turned out better because he stayed out of my life. Shhhh don't tell anyone, but I think he's a loser. I've been back stateside since December 2009, and he has made no attempt to talk to me, contact me or even to see his grandkids. He's even got one that he's never met. I'm not sure, but that might say a whole lot about the type of person he is. From what I'm told he's got a girlfriend now. I hope she makes him happy. Part of me wonders if she even knows he's got a kid (grown or not) that he never sees. Most women don't find the dead beat dad quality attractive. 


I wonder if he ever thinks about the family he is missing out on. The grandkids at christmas's, birthdays and other holidays. It just goes to show that some people really shouldn't have kids, or grandkids or anything that gives life meaning. Some people just take it all for granted. 


Although this topic will always cause me a little sadness. For the kids, and some for myself, because I do have some cool memories of him. Just wish I guess, that I mattered to him. 


Maybe when he gets old and I'm his only living relative I'll matter then. Though I doubt it. 


His loss. 

New Blog, and better out then in!

I have decided that there are times that some of the things that I want to say, don't belong on my family blog. So I've created one just for my thoughts. One to let out the things that maybe sometimes people don't want to hear. To let out the things that just can't be kept inside. 


First off, I hate being lied to. I also hate feeling like I've been lied to. I spend a good many years weaving my own set of lies. Living a lie really, so now to be lied to or be around someone that lies is unacceptable. Oh, having spent so long doing it, I'm really good at knowing when someone else is doing it. I got rid of the reason I needed to lie, fear. Now the only secrets I keep are about presents, and really half the time I'm not very good about doing that. 


Second, people do change not often but it happens. I'm a testament to this, but I won't bore you with the details as to why. 


I don't judge people, but if you make bad decisions over and over of course the only thing that can be expected is another bad decision. Unless of course the person changes, but like I said above, that doesn't happen often. There are also degrees of bad decisions to consider here as well. The choice to not tell when you've forgotten to do your homework is a small bad decision verses, the choice to do drugs or beat up people which are large bad decisions. Of course these are just examples of the differences in bad decisions. 


If you are going to talk big, you best be able to act big. Words are empty without follow through. If you say you are going to do something, do it. I understand that things come up and life happens. Instances like that are not what I'm referring to here. What I'm talking about it when someone says they are going to stand up and do what's right, and then are too scared to do it. Fear sucks, but it shouldn't stop you from living. I know that change is hard. I can say that having experienced it first hand. It's worth it though. 


I get annoyed when I'm dragged into drama that isn't my problem. I don't mind helping, but I don't like being asked to do something by someone that doesn't have any respect for anyone. Someone that pretends to respect me, but well that could be a lie too. 


I try and "save" everyone. If someone is in trouble, I try and help. When my help is turned down, I drop it. Even when I know I'm right about something, I let it go. I can't help someone with something though that I completely disagree with. Someone that can't take care of themselves, doesn't need to me taking care of anyone else. This falls right into the bad decisions thing I was talking about above. Someone that repeatedly makes bad decisions about themselves, is not projected to do anything but repeat bad decisions. Unfortunately in this case the bad decisions start affecting someone else. That's where the situation gets ugly. 


I feel a little better now, better out then in I always say.