Past Life Changes.

I've learned a few things in the last couple of years. It's okay to have a day in pajamas and relax. It's okay to not spend every day cleaning house. It's okay to have toys on the floor when you have a baby. That doesn't mean the house is dirty, it just means it's a little messy. It's okay to sit on the couch and enjoy a cup of coffee, really you don't have to feel bad about it. These great new things I've learned from my husband, he taught me it's okay to take care of me sometimes. It's probably the most important thing he's given me, the gift of freedom and personal preservation. A gift that I was too afraid at one point to give myself.

I am more confident now then I used to be. I can say what is on my mind without worrying about being yelled at. I'm not afraid to tell my husband anything. That was a new and welcomed change. I am still working on my self esteem, but it's coming along slowly. There is yet a few things I need to do to fix it, that I just haven't done yet. I'm getting there, change isn't something that happens overnight. Fixing years of low self esteem is something that is going to take more then 2 years to fix, though I feel a break through coming soon.

The kids are happy. They can be kids, and have fun with out ridicule. They aren't forced to do unreasonable chores, and they are punished cruelly. They smile and joke, and are doing great in school now. Change for them didn't happen overnight either, but you sure can see the difference.

Watching such dramatic change happen even over an extended period of time is refreshing. I didn't need more reassurance that I did the right thing, but it sure is nice to have it. To know now, what I doubted then (only a little) was the right thing. I have changed, they have changed... and I hope that is some way this has changed him too. The only regret I have about the way the situation was handled, was that to some I didn't say goodbye. I left good friends with no notice that I was leaving. Though I did it for a reason, I feel bad about it. My leaving should have only hurt one person, no many.

As time passes though the people that were really my friends have come forward. They have asked me what happened and why I left, and most of all have expressed sadness at my lack of goodbye. To those people I've apologised in hopes of making things right, because in my mind they didn't deserve that kind of hurt. In most cases the friendship was able to resume, in some they just didn't understand. Anyone that knows me, knows I wouldn't do anything to harm my children, and everything to protect them and myself. I only did what was best for us. Those that can't accept that weren't really friends in the first place.

I sit here and write this in my pajamas on the couch, on a Sunday with my cup of coffee. I smile knowing that life now is better then it has been and really it's only going to get better.