Another Crazy Day! (Vent)

Some days headphones aren't enough to block out the chaos that goes on in this house when all the kids are home. Today for them was a free day off due to Hurricane Sandy that didn't even really hit our are in a way that would warrant school being closed. I want to smash their heads together when all they do all day is argue. I haven't felt good from the start today so that hasn't helped my mood any. There are days when the constant cycle of dishes, laundry and picking up everyone else's shit wears on me. To put it bluntly, I get sick of it. I've been doing it just about every day since I had my first child and I'm telling you what 12 years of the same shit different day really gets old. What can you do though, keep on keeping on, and make the best of it. I've been trying to get out some. I go to the gym 3 days a week (not this week due to weather and feeling awful), and I work at the gym once a week. That helps some. 

I get tired of listening to the constant whining. My least favorite whine currently is that there is nothing to eat. Seriously? these are some of the laziest kids ever! Warming up leftovers is too hard, and making their own sandwich might as well be asking them to make dinner for the whole family. So I've been cooking, and really finding something to make sometimes is a challenge, but it is absolutely doable. The problem I'm convinced is the lack of "easy" foods, the ones you can just put in the microwave and eat. They are expensive so we are buying things that require some prep before it can be consumed. The kids will either learn to fix something or lose a little weight cause they go without sometimes, because I don't always have time to cook. 

Baby is sick right now. Kaylee sick requires a whole different set of patience skills that some days I don't have. Today was alright, but I don't make any promises for tomorrow. 

I've done the dishes AGAIN, cleaned the kitchen AGAIN and made sure everyone has had a good meal. I try and cook at least once a day, but most days it's twice unless there is a ton of leftovers. I hate wasting food. I can't see the point of making something else when there is a fridge full of stuff to eat. It always seems that even though there is food it's all food that no one feels like eating. I long for simpler times, though I know they are years away I know they are in my future, making a meal for only 4 instead of six, 1 or 2 dogs instead of 3, will be easier. 

One day I hope everyone realizes how much I did for them when they were growing up. I guess if they don't, they don't, but some acknowledgment would be nice every once and awhile. Back to school for them tomorrow, and back to the gym for me. Hopefully it will help me break out of this funk I seem to be in. 

Vegan

When people change that don't normally change their whole lives. They don't normally change their entire diet and way of thinking overnight, but that's just what I did. Ten months ago I went from eating anything and everything, having mouth sores all the time, and feeling tired and exhausting all the time, to feeling the best I have ever felt. Going vegan for most people is a transition that takes time, but I wasn't willing to give myself that transition period. I needed to see change, and I needed it fast. At first I fell into the pre-made processed vegan foods because they were most like the foods I had eaten before and of course at the beginning there were things that I missed. I don't find now that I miss as much. I will occasionally have a craving for something non-vegan but I tell myself it's not worth it, because for me it's not. I'm happier without the mouth sores (it's easier to eat too) and I love having the energy and motivation to get out and workout three times a week. I love the changes I feel in my emotional and mental confidence and the changes that I have recently seen in my body from all the exercise I've been doing.

I've tried to help people understand that I don't care what they eat. That I eat what I eat because for me it's personal choice. 

I'm so tired of the ignorant comments from people that just don't understand. No one cares what you eat till you start eating stuff that's good for you. Then everyone becomes an expert and knows everything about nutrition and what you should and shouldn't eat. 

Also, completely unrelated, I will never have another puppy in my house again. This last one is an asshole and and giant waste of fur. 

Drama and other stuff...

Sometimes I can't handle drama... OK... I never can handle drama. Sometimes I'm good at not saying anything to the person attempting to draw attention to themselves over something obviously retarded. I never understood it in High School and I understand it even less now that I have a teen of my own. Some of the things that are an end of the world freak out to her are like... oh... ummm REALLY? WTH is wrong with you that this is a huge damn deal. I'm guessing that most of it is age. When exactly do they outgrow that stage? I'm hoping it's soon. I have two others rapidly approaching teenage years and I'm not sure I can handle drama from all three without making them feel extremely bad for being dumb.

On a more "exciting" note the kids father is back in town for a visit. Lets hope that aside from the initial act like retard moment that he had upon calling me this afternoon, that the kids have a good visit and he remains ummm.... less retarded.

And to end this post on a positive note, I can't wait for my anniversary weekend away alone with the hubby. Will be the first time since our youngest was born over 2 years ago.

Life Changes

I guess you could say recently I've been on a bit of a journey. The kind were you not only change what you do, but your way of thinking as well. Some days it has been a challenge and then there are days I think I just can't take one more step, but then I do, and I keep moving forward. I think what I've been doing has been good for me. Getting back into running has taught me that I had lost a lot of self discipline, but I'd like to think over the past almost 6 weeks that I've gained some of that back. I also had lost a good deal of self control. The kind that is required to not sit down and eat a whole pound of pasta or cup and a half of rice. Tracking what I eat has showed me exactly how much I was eating that I just didn't need to eat. I'd like to think that I've changed these bad habits that I had for good, but everyone slips up. I'm sure I'll have days or meals that I'll want something that's not good for me. I'm hoping I've made it far enough where I won't be tempted to go back and eat just anything. I suppose only time will tell with that one. Though I would like to think that I value my health enough now to be able to resist those temptations.

So I suppose I should probably mention what it is I have changed or worked towards changing, there has been really three main goals.

1. Get back into running. About 6 weeks ago I started a couch to 10K program that I have been working through which includes running/walking slowly working towards running all the time.

2. Better nutrition, this includes tracking what I eat without exception cutting out oils and limiting alcohol.

3. Mind set, instead of thinking that I can't do something testing myself to see if I can do before I decide that I just can't. Having more confidence in my abilities.

All of this includes saying more, "you can do it" instead of saying "that's too hard". Getting into this program I learned that motivation to get out there and do it is 98% mental 2% physical and that 9 times out of 10 what was trying to stop me from doing it was that is was hard. I learned that with hard work comes progress and started looking at each workout as a challenge and opportunity to test the limits of my body. I've lost 10lbs, well I had lost 10lbs, bounced back into the 9 and some change range this morning, but that's expected. I gain a little then lose it, then gain and little then lose more. It's nothing that concerns me. As long as I keep going and don't give up I know I will eventually get where I want and need to be with both my physical endurance and weight lose. On the path to a healthier, happier me and I'm loving it.

I am officially one workout away from being halfway done. I can't even believe I've made it this far, but I'm excited and nervous to see what the next 6 weeks of this program will bring for me. In the back of my head I still wonder and hope that I can do it. I try and push that out of my head because experience had taught me that if I don't think I can do it, then I can't. I won't back down and I WILL finish this. I've come too far to give up now. Next week is 4 minutes running 2 minutes walking, just saying that makes me nervous, but I know that I'm going to get out there and do it. If I need to repeat a week then I do and it's not the end of the world, but would like to make it through without needing to.

Watching my family all sit around and do pretty much nothing honestly makes me wonder how I ever was able to just do nothing. I'm so much happier being active, and am glad I finally got off my butt and decided it was time to do something about me doing nothing all the time. I was tired of being fat (for me) and I was tired of feeling tired all the time. I hated the way my clothes fit and how I felt about myself. Glad to be able to say that my views on myself are changing... slowly.... but changing. I suppose slow progress is better then no progress.

I'm done being the door mat.

I'm pretty sure I do it to myself. I'm also pretty sure I'm done letting it happen. I don't get asked if I'm willing to do stuff. It just gets assumed that I'll do it. There are no please and thank you's there is just a continuation of assumption that I'm just going to continue to help. Well no more, I didn't want this responsibility and I refuse to continue to take care of something that isn't mine. I already have a house, kids and animals of my own. It's not my job to take care of everyone else's responsibilities too. 

Today Sucks!!!

I woke this morning at 3:30am to my husband getting in the shower he had to be at the airport to leave for a business trip. Thankfully this trip is only an overnight. Whenever he leaves to go anywhere it's me + 4 kids + 2 dogs + not listening = annoyed stressed out me. This morning was no exception to that. I tried to hard to make this morning go smoothly too. I had the hubby change around the dishwasher last night so the kids lunch tupperware was clean and ready to pack. That is only helpful if the dishwasher actually gets started :|. Woke up this morning to no toilet paper in my bathroom which ment wiping with a paper towel. For anyone out there that's had to do this knows it very scratchy. Then I had to wash all the kids lunch containers cause the dishwasher was still dirty (I don't blame the hubby for this). I watched him press the button off and on again which is what we do. Apparently it was off and it didn't get pressed enough to be turned on again for the wash cycle to start. Obnoxious, but understandable and by no means his fault. It just compounded and made my morning harder. 

I have kids laundry to do today, but for right now I'm sitting here. Decompressing listening to pandora and letting it out so I don't explode. Hoping that as the day goes on it gets better. That the baby stops being a giant douche, and that I can find motivation to get the stuff done that I need to. 

I just wish that just once, just one time that he left that first day he was gone went a little smoother. That I felt less like I had been hung out to dry for everyone to walk on and laugh at. I guess it's just overwhelming and of course I can't have it be without obstacles, because that would be too easy.  

Feelings/Hurting/Helping

How do you help someone that you know is hurting? How do you help someone when there is nothing you can really do to help them? There is nothing that I can directly do, except to be there. I can however provide the tools for this person to cope with the unpleasant part of the current situation. So I ordered a few things that I think might help. I'm hoping they help and that they are received with gratitude verses a chuckle. I guess we will see. I had always been against going and seeing a therapist, but during my first marriage I learned a whole lot about myself going and seeing one. It was then I realized they weren't all that bad, once I got comfortable enough to actually talk about things. Though I think if I had been more open to begin with about seeing someone I might have opened up a bit soon. Who knows though, that was quite a few years ago and I don't like to dwell on things that happened in the past. It's just a waste of time. 


Life is good for the most part. I still struggle sometimes to find time for myself, and time with the hubby. With four kids here though it is something that I'm not surprised about. We do date night from time to time (when we can afford it), and I try and read when the baby naps (if I'm not busy doing other errand type things). I am happy, though I miss getting out of the house I don't miss it enough to try and change it. I'm hoping for warmer weather soon, because that will help ease that feeling. I'll get out and walk more, and Kaylee and I will be outside more during the day when she is awake. I love warm weather. There is just something about the sun that makes it so you have to smile. 


Everyone is going to have different ideas of what is right for you, but ultimately you are the only one that gets to make the choices. The choice to smile or cry, to be happy or sad are all up to you. Other people can affect us, but we can't let what they feel overwhelm us because like your feelings, their feelings are their own. We are only responsible for what we can control. Unfortunately there are a lot of things in life that we can't control, especially if we are underage. We are completely dependent and at the mercy of our parents until we move out on our own. For some kids this is difficult more so for those forced to grow up too fast. Those kids struggle with the idea that although mentally they are older they are still not grown and can't be out on their own yet. 


One day at a time, it's all we can do. Sometimes it's hard to slow down enough to deal with things that before we may not have had time to deal with. Things are better dealt with then ignored, that way we cope with the feelings instead of repressing them. Repressing only guarantees that they will come back and visit sometime in the future. For those that think they can make feelings go away, are only made out to be a fool when they find out they are wrong.